I am going to write this and try make sense of it while keeping it as brief as possible . Here it goes. A few weeks back Mario, my husband, came home late from work. Usually I like to stay up until he gets home. On this particular day I was wiped out and by 9 o’clock my eyelids felt like they had paper weights on them. I went upstairs and soon I was in a deep sleep. The next thing I know is I’m sitting straight up in bed, gasping like I’d seen a ghost and terrified. Mario had come in the room without me knowing and had been standing by the doorway of our bedroom trying to figure out if I was really sleeping or playing a joke on him. I must have felt someone staring at me because I sat straight up without even realizing it and gasped being choked by the shock of the jolt of waking up like that. With Mario’s permission I’m going to share what happened next. He starts yelling at me, “Why are you freaking out! What’s wrong with you? Why do you always freak out like this?” And then he says, “You scared me!” After coming to my senses I yell back, “I scared you!?” The argument escalates to name calling, and I am literally shocked that I went from a dead sleep right into a shouting match with my husband. The whole time I’m thinking, “How do you get to be mad at me for scaring you when I was the one sleeping, doing nothing, completely innocent here?!” Mario’s trying to make a case for himself, and I’m doing the same. Round and round we go until we end up in separate rooms. I can’t even be around him by this point. After a few minutes that seemed like hours, I have an awareness that something else is going on here. Yes, this is a fight. I am familiar with that, but somewhere in my mind there’s a window, a doorway to something else…I shout out into that space, the window- if you will, and ask God, “What is going on here? Why is this happening, God?” During this time, there’s a ping-pong match going off in my thoughts and emotions between my furious anger at Mario and my questions to God. The questions to God start to override my anger, and I tell Mario that we need to talk this out. And as late it was, and as tired as we were, we did just that. We began by picking up where we left off, yelling, and stating our cases. And then Mario asks me the question, “Why did you get THIS angry about all of this?” To which I respond with an answer from somewhere deep inside me, not the obvious one, but the layer underneath it. As soon as I said why, I was shocked by my own answer. I had not known that these emotions were tied to something else deep in my history. As soon as I had answered him, I felt a relief. Then the stinging angry/sad tears came. I was mad I was crying about this now, but relieved I had an answer to a question I had asked. Upon hearing my explanation, Mario’s tone changed, his face softened, and he said, “You’ve never told me that story before. It makes sense now.” I learned something about Him and about me that night. I always thought that God wasn’t near me when I got angry or when Mario and I had an argument. I thought how could He want to be near me when it’s like that..when I’m like that. But He was. He was there with me and not only was He there, He heard my cry. He heard and He answered. He gave me insight about myself and why I do the things I do and He showed me that He is always there, waiting for me to acknowledge Him. Our Pastor often references the phrase, “factoring God into the equation of your thinking.” That moment that concept made sense to me like never before. So on that night, that seemed like an utter failure, God turned it into something supernatural. During that whole argument I thought my world was going along as I understood it, but there was this other thing happening, a supernatural thing, a parallel thing. That space – the window – in the argument where I called out to God was right next to what was going on in the natural. It’s been said, “There’s more to this than meets the eye,” and that is true about most everything, but when emotions are running at full speed how can you put the brakes on and “factor God in”? I don’t have the answer for how that looks in your life, but I know that He says to call on Him in the midst of the situation – to seek Him in the moments that are hardest. As I was thinking about this blog post and how to communicate what had taken place this is the verse that came to my mind over and over again:
Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.”
Thank you for reading this post. I pray we call out to Him like never before. He, alone, has all the right answers to every question (even in the middle of the night in a heated argument with your spouse)!
In His Love,